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'Outcast' by guest reviewer, Lewis Hargreaves

James was a quiet child who lived on a council estate on Avenham Park, in Preston. He also had an older brother called Liam.

After 17 long years of living on a council estate and being bullied, James started to attract the attention of women. But he knew that, for success, he'd need a certain extra pizazz.

A car of some sorts would be the answer. But which one to buy?

Anyhow, he passed his test and got himself a little Vauxhall Corsa. But cars and land were not James’s forte. His passion was the sea, but he needed money to buy his first boat.

He pondered for a while realising he had both a car and a license, and coming up with the perfect job – as a pizza delivery driver. After a while a girl called Rika who used the pizza firm got quite a liking for our James. She liked him so much that she would order a pizza and demand that only the fit guy (James) dropped it off.

One night, James was driving to Rika's to drop off her usual Friday night pizza. As he pulled up to her house, he noticed that down the side of it was a shed of a boat on a trailer. This interested James so much he actually had a full blown conversation with Rika who explained that the boat was her father's who lived in Oz.

James asked Rika if her farther would ever consider selling it. Rika was cunning and clever and said she would ask her father, but the condition was that first James must take her on a date.

Rika had a dark secret. During the daylight hours, Monday till Thursday, she worked in VIP massage parlour as a prostitute. You see, Rika was from Australia, hence her dad living over there with her mother and 2 older sisters. Her father was the chief deputy of an Australian police force so was not short off shrapnel (that’s Australian slang for money).

So, James organised to pick Rika up the next day to take her to Frankie and Benny’s restaurant on the Kapitol centre at 7 o’clock sharp. Afterwards, as he walked back to his car, he walked past the boat muttering to himself “One day you will be mine. I’ll do what I can for you to be mine”.

As James was inspecting the outside of the boat, he noticed green algae on the hull and a 90 HP Evinrude engine on the back. Rika came out to say bye to him and said “I came all the way from Australia on that beaut,” in her Australian accent. He said “OK, bye” and got in his car as he had a to go to the pizza house to sign off for the night, and he now had a big date with Rika to prepare for.

At 6.45 the following night he set off to Rika’s with Tiesto blasting out his 12 inch subwoofers in his 1.0 Corsa. He pulled up to her drive and killed the music as to set a good impression, before getting out of his car and knocking on the door of her 4 bedroom mini mansion.

When she answered the door, James was gasping for breath as her beauty outshone anything he had ever seen. “You’re gorgeous,” he said very softly. “Your carriage awaits, my lady”. He opened the door of his £300 banger.

As they drove to the restaurant, Rika asked James to put the radio on. But James only listened to music at full volume. Rika okayed that he then continued to tell her that he only listened to Tiesto.

“Let me tell you a little secret,” said Rika. “In 2001, when Tiesto toured Australia I dated him! I love his beats.”

So, James drove Rika to the restaurant with Tiesto booming out the speakers, and Rika seemed to be loving it. As he pulled up to the restaurant, he turned the car off and asked Rika to wait in the car so he could open her door like a gentleman.

They walked into the restaurant, and James opened every door for Rika. He was dressed up to the nines. They sat down and were given the menus.

“Order whatever you want,” he said. But he hoped she wouldn’t order caviar or something else ridiculously expensive.

Soon, the waitress came to the table. “Hi, I’m Candice. I’m your waitress for tonight. Can I interest you in a drink before you choose your meal?”

Again, James was hoping and praying that Rika didn’t order a triple brandy and coke. Smiling at James she told the waitress, “I’ll have a bottle of your finest champagne”.

James was bricking it. He only had £60 on him!

The waitress turned to James. “What drink would you like?”

“Just the champagne, please.”

“Fine, sir, but we only have Shipwrecked Champagne at $14,181.81 per bottle.”

Rika kicked James under the table and gave him a cheeky wink. When the waitress went to sort the order out Rika whispered, “I’ve got this”.

Soon, the waitress returned to the table with the champagne, and all James could think of was how they could sell such expensive champagne. He was also driving so could only have a bit. Candice poured the drink and Rika necked it all in one. She didn’t even let it touch the sides. James thought he was out with a fish.

The waitress then came back. “Can I take your order please?”

Always let the lady order first. James was brought up well.

“I’ll have four meaty burgers, a garlic bread and a portion of fries.” James was gobsmacked with the amount of food Rika just ordered as she was only 4ft 11. I mean, that would feed an African tribe for a month.

“What would you like to eat, sir?”

He quickly glanced at the menu. “I’ll have lasagne,” he said.

Anyway, they ate the food, and drank the champagne.

James said “But I’ve only £60”.

Rika smiled at him. “Just follow me,” she said. They got to the foyer of the restaurant and Rika shouted “Run!”. Both of them ran to the other side of the car park and got in the car.

On the way back James said to Rika “That’s the first time I’ve done a runner. Why not just get cheaper food and drink?” Rika jumped to her own defence.

“Cuz it’s not fun!”

On the trip to her house James stopped off at the petrol station, thinking that as he hasn’t paid for the meal he might as well get his car filled up. The petrol station was at Morrison’s on the docks, just next to Rika’s pad. She sprung out of the car, ran to his window, gave him a kiss and whispered, “I won’t forget to ask my dad,” before flirtatiously walking back into her house. As he was driving home, he was excited, yet a bit scared about fulfilling his dream of becoming a sea-going yachtsman. But he was also scared about how he would get the money to pay for the boat.

As his head touched his pillow, his eyes shut, and he dreamt about the sea air and Rika sunbathing on the front of the boat.

The next day arose and James’s phone rang. It was Rika.

“Look, James, we’ve been going out for a whole day and night now and that’s longer than most of my relationships. I’ve told my dad and he likes you. He thinks you’ve got big testes. So much in fact he’s bought you and me a bonza boat it’s tied up on Fylde coast. Pick me up in half an hour and we will go see it.”

James threw his waders and waterproof jacket on and practically ran out the house, got into his car, turned the key, and with a full tank of gas drove like a maniac to Rika’s.

She was waiting for him at the end of the drive. No sooner had he turned the radio down to speak to her than she was in the car seat ready. She turned up the radio to full blast, and pointing in the direction of Fylde, she shouted "Come on, yah big galah." She squealed. It sounded as if she was excited.

James said, "Before we go, ain’t we got to hitch the trailer up?"

"No, the boat's all ready in the harbour” Rika said excitedly. “Come on!”

So, off they went, going 68 all the way cuz that’s all that the 1.2 would do.

They finally arrive at the harbour, get out the car, and only see 3 sailing boats and a fisherman trawler and James was thinking, "I can’t go in the sea in that!" It was a Bombardier3.8m dinghy. Meanwhile, Rika shouted him from the other side of Freeport Marina.

"Here it is!"

James couldn’t believe his eyes. She was standing next to a princess 68.1ft power cruiser worth over 1.5 million. Not only had he found a smoking hot and slightly warped gal, but she was also minted. He thought, "Hell, yeah, I've landed on my feet here".

The harbour master stood at the back of the boat, welcomed them aboard and showed them around.

“This boat has four floors with eight beds, a 50 inch tv in every bedroom and a 70 inch in the main room. There's a kitchen with fridge freezer two ovens and a servant quarter.”

James quickly became bored of the tour. He would work things out on the water. He was about to test all the wet miserable days out on the sea driving his dad's fishing trawler, and parking it up in the harbour. He just wanted to see what this baby would do. The harbour master went back to his office and James started the twin fully electric solar panel driven motors up and used the bow thrusters to move from the side.

They approached the harbour exit and into the murky Blackpool sea.

“James, we better name this boat. Let’s call it Up Rising.”

James thought for a minute. “How long do we want to spend on this boat?”

Rika's face glazed over. She'd never had to think serious before. “How I see it is we have no fuel bills - we get the power from the solar panels. You can follow your carer in writing. I love to sail and we can wake up in a different port every morning.”

She paused and then said “Well, let’s call it Outcast”.

Part of James’s sailing training with his dad had been compass reading. "220 sw" he shouted as he opened her up. The boat purred as they traveled 260 miles down to the tip of Barry Island, Wales, where they dropped the anchor and jumped in the little 6ft tender. It hadn’t been started up for 2 years as that was how long the boat had been on sale for. As the engine on the rib was a 5hp Mercury it started up first time. James drove the rib to the edge of the beach, jumped out the boat and pulled it up the beach. Rika jumped out of the vessel and ran up the beach shouting "I’ll be back in 2 hours. I need some girly things".

So, James went to the only place he knew there would be like-minded people who would be friendly to newcomers.

James was smoking his ecig outside the Ernest Willows Weatherspoons when a guy came out of nowhere and introduced


"Hello, I’m Peter Jennings. I should be in rehab but they treat you like a child in the unit. They make you feel so small, they do. It’s so downgrading. Anyway, I’ve had enough and I’ve found myself a sex kitten who lives in Fylde, Blackpool.

"Well, I’ve just come from," there James said. "I hate to be rude, but why are you in rehab?"

"I’m an alcoholic," he said with a beer in his hand. "I shouldn’t really be drinking."

When James finally left the pub it was close to the 2 hours he said he’d be for Rika as he walked back he noticed a family having a picnic near the tender. Rika wasn’t back yet so James started talking to the family and introduced himself. A big, ginger, burly beast of a man spoke very softly. “I'm Sas. This is my wife, Peacock, my daughter, Moo Moo, my eldest son, Hc, and my youngest son, Dolly.”

James then asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a sign maker," he said. "Any sign, I can sort it."

"Could you put Outcast on the back of my boat?”

"I could, yes," said Sas, "but I’m scared of water".

"When my girlfriend comes back we can all have a party on our boat.”

Sas was dubious about going on the tender to the back of the big boat. He didn’t fear the water per se, but he did fear what was underneath it he’d watched too many Jaws films.

Rika came skipping round the corner with a smile on her face. “You’ll never guess who I’ve just met! Michael Pritchard out of Dirty Sanchez!”

(For any one born after 2003, Dirty Sanchez is like Jackass but an English version on steroids. It is about 3 welsh dropouts and deranged Joyce from Essex. My best advice is to YouTube it. It’s mental.)

Anyhow, James had to do 2 trips to the boat. First, 24 stone Sas and Rika.

"Now I know why they call you Sas,” jokingly humoured James. “Cuz your the size of an ape!”

The tender was hardly moving. They were but 6ft of the back of Outcast and the engine died (pop pop fffffft) as the little outboard gave its final attempt at getting this 6ft 7 24stone giant of a man to the back of their boat.

"We'll have to swim it," said James. But the beast of a man was so scared and literally peed himself. Rika very kindly whipped off her top and took her skirt off down to her knickers and bra and jumped in the sea and with the mooring rope on the front of the boat she towed the tender the remaining 6ft. Then she jumped on the back of outcast and tied the rib to the back.

James jumped on to the outcast and heaved Sas on to the vessel. He then filled the tender up with a Jerry can and went back to the beach to pick the rest of the tribe up.

MORE TO COME...............


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